Dear Concerned Cad

[Captain Barr]

http://www.drunkard.com/md_concerned_cad.htm

One hell of a long read, but genuinely interesting and very well written given the topic. This is the "Dear Abby" section of the Modern Drunkard Magazine.

One of my favorites:

Dear Concerned Cad:
Lately I haven’t been drinking as much as I would like. The thing that makes me concerned is that it’s not because I can’t stomach it or I don’t have any money, it’s that I don’t really feel like it. Is it possible to be too depressed to drink?
Thanks,
Carrie

Dear Carrie:
As with most endeavors, it’s all about taking that first step, or drink, as the case may be. You must have faith. Realize that after three drinks you’re going to feel much better about drinking. It’s like going to the gym: It can be the hardest thing in the world dragging yourself there, but once you get started, you feel fantastic.

That said, you can’t expect the whiskey to do all the work. Realize that booze and the bar that serves it doesn’t owe you a good time. It merely provides all the tools a human being needs to have a ball. A bar is a playground. And since there are no slides or seesaws to be had, you’re going to have to play with other people’s minds.

In his infamous 1813 scallywag manual Trappings of a Cad, Sir Edward Biddle referred to the practice of this dark art as “Going on the Hoot.� He and his cronies would drift from bar to bar, executing elaborate pranks on the staff and whatever unfortunate customers were on hand. Often their pranks would result in bodily harm, but what did Biddle care, he was high-born and protected by thick circles of money and power. As you probably lack both, here’s an assortment of less violent yet equally cruel tricks I sometimes use to liven up a long stretch of power drinking.

Bar Games for Bastards

Devil Rum’s Advocate
Sit at the bar and wait for someone to voice an opinion about something, anything—sports, religion, politics, the weather, whatever. Immediately pick an argument with him, even if your position is diametrically opposite to your actual beliefs. It’s really quite exhilarating, especially when your opponent states an opinion he believes utterly safe and widely held, making your counter-stance completely ridiculous and indefensible. For example, if your victim says Benito Mussolini was a nasty person, inform him you are in fact a card-carrying Blackshirt and we’d all be happier if Benito were in charge. March up and down while shouting, “At least he made the trains run on time!� If your victim speaks poorly of rain-forest destruction, announce that you are going to personally fly to Brazil to hack-and-slash as much vegetation as possible. Why? Because a rubber tree fell over and crushed your dad when you were a kid and you must have your sweet revenge. Or tell him you believe the faster humanity destroys the environment the faster we can build cool Battlestar Galactica-style colony ships and cruise the universe looking for alien chicks. You must speak with absolute, infatiguable fanaticism and never give in. You may get in a fistfight but, hey—you said you wanted excitement, right?

Free Drink Frenzy
Try to see how many free drinks you can sleaze and seize in one hour. Use every possible trick, back issues of this magazine will arm you with all the ammunition you’ll need. A caveat, however: this is one of those hobbies that sometimes turns into a lifestyle.

Pushing the Bartender’s Eject Button
The goal of this ruse is to get asked to leave the bar without doing anything violent or illegal. It’s harder than you think, so here’s a few time-tested tricks to employ. Note: never use these at your local bar because it will affect your ability to get a drink in the future.

Napkin Man
Only communicate with the bartender by scribbling notes on bar napkins. Write “A pint of Guinness please� and earnestly pass it to him. Don’t say a word. He will assume you’re a mute until you start speaking with other customers. If the bartender inquires about your newfound ability to speak, nod aggressively, then dash off a quick note. It will drive him crazy and he will want to hurt you.

Dr. Heckle and Mr. Pie-Eyed
Walk into the bar stone cold sober and act uptight, like one of those chaps who has one wine spritzer and calls it a night. Then, halfway into your first drink, start acting sloppy drunk, to the point the bartender starts sizing you up for an escort to the door. Then spontaneously snap out of it and resume your uptight sober persona. Act outraged if he suggests you may be drunk. An upper-class English accent might be in order. Repeat until he develops an eye tic.

Biggest Fan
Never let your eyes leave the bartender, your hero. Act voraciously interested in everything he does; lean over the bar occasionally to get a better view of what he’s doing with the bottom rack. Bug your eyes with excitement when he pulls a tap. He will eventually ask you if you have a problem with him. Assure him you do not, you just like the way he’s doing things. Make simpering comments like, “The way you poured that Coors was awesome. Great technique!� Turn to other patrons and excitedly say, “Check out his shaker technique! See that wrist action? He’s the best ever!� Inquire about his schedule, so you can catch his next “show.� Watch the layers of his psyche slowly peel off right in front of you.

Stump the Bartender
Before going out, consult a bartender’s bible and write down in a notebook thirty of the most obscure cocktails you can find. Then go to the bar and start down your list. When he professes ignorance, act hurt and make a notation in your notebook, like he’s being graded. When he asks if you’d like something else, mumble a bitter, “No thanks.� Wait two minutes then brighten up and ask for the next cocktail on your list. Keep doing this until he wraps his hands around your throat.

How you win: Asked to leave (1 pt.). Physically escorted (3 pts) Bartender physically attacks you (5 pts). If you can earn ten points in one day, you may consider yourself an honorary member of Sir Edward Biddle’s Order of Bar Bastards!
Congrats!

[Bones]

TO THE BAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!