MTW BOOK- Favorite Joke

[Morty]

As I mentioned before, I plan on putting alot of jokes into this book. I have jokes I enjoy, but everyone has different tastes. Please paste links to some of your favorite jokes and I can snag the copy from there.

Or if you have a joke that isn't on the site, type it out in this thread.

And then go add it to the Jokes section too.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE JOKE?

Feel free to list multiple jokes. Try not to choose more than 20 jokes.

[Maximal]

off to hunt for jokes

[MD Willington]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:

"I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

[smilin heinz]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Maximal]

Did you ever get lost?

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Johnson) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Johnson replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Johnson thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Johnson, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Johnson hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."
__________________
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At the blood donor clinic

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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banging mom

A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one.


The Dad laughs, throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.


Hours later the Dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom.


He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his Nanna one!!


The Dad looks horrified.


'Not so funny when its YOUR Mum is it?' says the lad
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The Greek

A Greek parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The Greek looks down in absolute horror "FUCKING HELL!!!!!! he
screams........

"Where's my Rolex ????..."
----------
helpful stewardess

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!" The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14". With folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
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Msg from god

After the tsunami disaster Osama Bin Laden got a text message from God saying......






Top that you Cunt!!!

[mommysalomi]

http://www.mortystwistedworld.com/fo...-too-much.html


This one.. so simple yet I find it so funny !!!

[smilin heinz]

this one always makes me laugh.

http://www.mortystwistedworld.com/fo...mpetition.html

and this one

http://www.mortystwistedworld.com/fo...-fart-bed.html

[Morty]

This book should turn out pretty cool.

[Layni]

Two condoms walk into a gay bar, one looks at the other and says " You wanna get shit faced?"

[mommysalomi]

EEEWWWWW Layni thats nasty !!!!!!!!!!