 Pregnancy Questions
Pregnancy Questions
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type B-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, for use in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
__________________
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
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