here are some redneck jokes that ive found

[Big_Chief]

you might be a redneck if......................



Your family tree does not fork.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You've ever hitchhiked naked
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've never paid for a haircut.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
People hear your car long before they see it.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. .
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball."
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
You're an expert on worm beds.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your masseuse uses lard.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever hit a deer with your car.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

[smilin heinz]

We call my son bubba!!