It's Just A Wee Touch of the Irish!

[I Promise To Return To MTW Since I Have Been Banned]

Why did God invent whiskey?
To prevent the Irish from ruling the world!

Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot. A little while later another came in and they struck up a conversation. "Let me buy you a drink in memory of my mother land, Ireland." the first said. "Ireland?, I'm from Ireland too. I come from Dublin. Let's drink to Dublin!" said the second. "Dublin? Why I grew up there. Went to St. Mary's." replied the first. "Me too," said the second, "class of '57." "Seamus, another round for the Class of '57!" ordered the first. And so it went. A short time later another patron came in and asked, "Hey Seamus, What's going on in here today?" "Nothing much," the bartender replied, "Just have the O'Reilly twins in drunk again."


O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says the bartender, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says the bartender, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


Pat came to tell Mrs. O'Flaherty about her husband's untimely drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery.
"Oh, the poor man" she sobbed, "Please, tell me, did he suffer much?"
" I don't think so mum; he came out three times to pee!"



And what my friend Tom says that the publican at nearly every pub in Ireland says at closing time:
"Ladies and gents, have you no homes to go to?


Punchlines to Dirty Irish Jokes
8. She's out in the barn making Bailey's Irish Cream.
7. I thought 'Dublin' was having sex with twins.
6. Here's one snake St. Patrick didn't chase out of Ireland.
5. That's not the Blarney Stone, but don't stop kissing it.
4. Lord of the Dance? More like 'Lord of my pants'!
3. These lucky charms are magically delicious!
2. Keep looking -- I know there's a shamrock in there somewhere.
1. That is my thick Irish brogue, and yes, I'm happy to see you.