Got a joke? Share it! Want to read some good ones? This is the place!
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...Any part under a car's hood. Male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male...Playing football with only three defenders. 3. COMMUNICATION...
Just been to the gym,found a new machine there ,worked it for an hour until I could take no more .......Mars bars, Snickers ,KitKat, cola , chips etc .phew :lol: :lol:
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door...
A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all of his staff. While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he...
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!" I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ...
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation... "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid...
3 women in a hot tub three women -- one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly -- were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "that was my pager," she said. "i have a microchip under...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that...
Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. ********************
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tescos for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two...
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's.":laugh:
Irondog is driving down a back road in South Carolina . A sign in front of a restaurant reads: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL Lobster Tail and Beer "Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!
in attempt to scare teenagers out of taking drugs the police send 2 drug addicts to 2 different schools and the prison officer will shorten their time in prison by 1 day for each teenager they convince. they appear before the officer a week later and the officer asks the first how he did. "I...
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I very quickly told them to piss off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's...
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As...
A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be...
A teacher is doing a study testing the senses of her kindergarten class. She asks the children to identify the flavours of candy they’re given with colours. Red for cherry, yellow for lemon, orange for orange, and green for lime. Finally, to mix things up a little bit, the teacher gives them...
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last...
Oh, Oh !! Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombing. Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looks like.
A woman is at a bar, drinking and depressed.A man walks in and sits down next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed.After a time, the man askes the woman, "What are you so depressed about?" She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky." He says, "Really? My wife left me...
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go...
A guy buys a big 200-acre ranch out in the country. One day, shortly after he moves in, he's relaxing on his front porch when a pickup truck comes rambling down the one dirt road to his house and screeches to a halt in front of him. "Howdy neighbor!" the pickup driver says. "My names Bill! I live...
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
A man walks by a cafe that has a sign in the window: PIANO PLAYER WANTED. He grabs the sign, walks in the cafe and says to the manager, "I play the piano. I'd like to have the piano player's job." The manager says, "Well, let's hear you play first." The man sits down and plays the most beautiful...
129 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
A pilot gets on the loud speaker shortly after takeoff and says to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven-eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Sit back and enjoy the flight." He forgets to turn his...
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's...
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that...
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me............An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . .. . She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat...
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