Forum: Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes!

Jokes THE ROMP An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex, but the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. The man replied, "That¹s good, because you have...

Little Johnny LITTLE JOHNNY ON PHILOSOPHY: A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The...

Alligator Trick A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll...

Rejected Greetings Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the...

Aviation Rules This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June 2000?)..... RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That...

Courses That Men Think All Women Should Take in College... Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before. The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits Parties: Going without new outfits Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial. Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump." Blonde: "Okay." (then back to the newscast.) He jumps. Blonde: "Okay,...

Good English Subject: How to speak English GOOD 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." ...

Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's...

Vegas Joke A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the...

Pregnancy Joke When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she...

Bag Boy This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady." They no sooner get out of...

Jealous Husband A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the...

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say...

Costume Party A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that...

Interpreting Personal Ads FIRST THE WOMEN 40-ish: 48 Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic: Flat-chested Average looking: Ugly Beautiful: Pathological liar Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin Educated: College dropout

Race Horses Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third...

Jokes LOST DAD A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" GOING TO THE DOCTOR This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says, "Where are you...

Thought this might bring a smile to your lips Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere,...

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his...

Teaching The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my...

did you hear about the guy who went into his physchiatrist office wrapped only in saran wrap and the shrink said"I can clearly see your nuts"

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CANNOT ACCEPT, AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE I HAD TO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY GOT ON MY NERVES. AND ALSO, HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MIGHT BE CONNECTED TO...

Notification to all staff regarding language It has come to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to the complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do...

Highbrow Genital Jokes My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA! My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince...

Iraqi war A large patrol of Iraqi soldiers are driving through the desert, when the commander hears a voice from behind a sand dune shout "One British Special Forces soldier is worth a 1000 Iraqi soldiers". The commander tells his officers to send ten men over the dune and sort him out. After...

Embarrassing Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of...

The drunk This drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud scream is heard coming from the toilet. then a few minutes later, another loud scream comes from the toilet. Then another loud scream. The landlord goes into the toilet to investigate. Knocks on the...

Thick wives An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are having a drink round a table in a pub. when the Englishman say's. You know, my wife must be the thickest woman in England. She went out last week and bought £50 worth of frozen food and we haven't got a freezer The Scotsman said. My wife...