Forum: Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes!

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint...

A man walked into La Senza and shyly went up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every...

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about...

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the...

Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the sh* t out of you. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done...

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says"No idea what happened" The guy says, " Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, " Can I stay here for a few days?" "Oh my...

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules....

The mother superior calls all of the nuns together for a meeting. When they have all calmed down she says "I have something to tell you all. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God" says an elderly nun at the back, " I'm so tired of the Chardonnay...."

1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket ...

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. ...

So I tried washing my Viagra down with a Beer...guess what, pretty spectacular results! http://cablemonkey.smugmug.com/photos/8509787-M.jpg :twisted:

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 2. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping"; now I just "chunky...

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This...

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the...

One night as the city bar was closing, one man was forcibly pushed out the bar door and fell flat on his face.He tried to stand so he could walk home.He stood and 3 seconds later fell flat on his face. He crawled the rest of the way home. when he got to his door he tried to stand while opening the...

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly...

A man who was going home from work stops to pick up a Navajo hitchhiker. The hitchhiker climbs into the back seat and starts a conversation with the man about who life was easier for, the man or the Navajo. After the Navajo became tired of this subject he noticed a paper sack in the front seat. He...

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of the skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Bubba: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't...

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod...

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses, there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar? " The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay...

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in This house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it...

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate ...

a cat is wondering next to a river - the cat see's a small sausage in the water and tries to reach it - getting he's paws wet, he then see's a bigger sausage and tries reaching for the bigger one - getting he's paws and belly wet, he then sees a really really big sausage and tries reaching for the...

The penalty for masturbation in indonesia is decapitation 31% of American women wear thongs. The glue on israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour All of the...

two sausages sizzerling in a pan one sausage says to the other "it's fucking hot in here" to which the other replies "oh my god a talking Sausage"