Forum: Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes!

Words of advice: Never sneak up on a sleeping cat and practice your bird calls. You'd be surprised how quick they are with those razor-sharp claws if they think a male white-throated sparrow (zonotrichia albicollis) is perched on their head...

=A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back...

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help...

According to an article in the Science section of the New York Times, a study published in The Journal of Reproductive Medicine in 2001 claims to have found that women undergoing in vitro fertilization doubled their chances of becoming pregnant when Christian groups prayed for them. One wonders...

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks by, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints together. ...

One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, quietly puts on his long johns, gets his lunch made, throws his coat on, grabs his gun and goes to the garage to warm-up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area. He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the ...

At the senior center-- Friday night dance A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior...

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him...

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you." The first...

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Earl,...

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 4. In...

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? ...

NAME: GregN Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's...

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been ...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see...

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was...

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and...

Whats a good sign for inbreeding in a town/villiage? Being able to round up all of the men in one room and only having to buy one father's day card.

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry...

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said,...

Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why...

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid

RULES FOR MEN 1. The Female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

Q. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that...

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60...

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a...