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Marriage PG-Rated 1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO Marry?? -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up...
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that...
Wanda's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. Since she had go to work the next day, she told the repairman "I'll leave the key under the doormat.Fix the dishwasher and leave the bill on the counter. I'll mail you a check..oh by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike, he won't...
A boy asked his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" "You are my son. I am confident about that," the father said. "Your friend next door is also my son, but that is confidential."
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in...
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices...
One of the last times I was working bar one of the guest sitting around had these on her phone and she shared them with me so I thought I'd share them with you. If you sleep with a hooker, and don't pay, is it shoplifting or rape? ...
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter said that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed it to make his living. The Lord went down into the water...
Few jokes i heard today, might offend, if u offend easily dont read them :p Actually if are offended then u shouldnt be reading 99% of stuff on here anyway! What do you call an indian with one leg? Balan Singh ........................
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology....
Recently I was invited to run a marathon I declined The organizer said "c'mon it is for blind and handicapped kids" I thought "fuck I could win this thing!"
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity
One of my students told me this joke the other night. Its stupid, but it cracked me up........... This is best as a verbal joke than a textual. Why do black people tend to grow taller than most other races? . . . . .
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene : What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't...
Strudel An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within...
Car Accident One day, while Maynard was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. The truck driver took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told Maynard to stand in the middle and not leave the...
Jigsaw Puzzle Cletus called his friend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." His friend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" Cletus responded, "According to the picture on the...
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very...
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor. 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the...
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were...
Diary of an AOL User. July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 - Some guy...
These are for Amy...she knows why. :hug: A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us." The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?" ...
An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I...
Revenge by Gunshot A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun. She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead. This...
A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results. One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news....
Four Men in a Car Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It...
Donald and and Leona's Company Policy Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn...
Spel Chek I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new...
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