Jesus and The Disciples AKA The true bible story

[WillRiker]

This story is one that I wrote some time back back. I make no apologies for it as I'm not religious in any way. If you ARE and do not want to be offended I advise that you leave this thread...or better still just leave as this site probably isn't really for you anyway. But before you go just ask yourself if there really is a supreme being that created everything and has fuck all better to do than sit and watch us kill each other, explain Africa to me!!! A continent riddled with disease, poverty and hunger and millions, MILLIONS of people dying and there's a supreme being that allows this to happen...doesn't seem worthy of our attention or adoration if you ask me. And as there is no tangible evidence to back religion up, it's all just a bunch or horse shit to me!! If you share my point of view read on for the true story of JESUS AND THE DISCIPLES. Makes you think!!

OK on with the story....

DISCLAIMER - What follows is a work of fiction. It is not true. The following is merely made up by the author. HOWEVER, if you are religious in any way please DO NOT READ IT. You will be offended. Okay, nuff said, now that all the religious types have pissed off we'll get started.

Hi there. My name is Jesus. Yes, that one. Okay, I've decided that I've waited long enough to tell my side of the story. You've all been had. The Bible is a pile of shit, Pure and Simple as Hear'Say would say. It sort of happened out of boredom you see, there wasn't that much to do when I was growing up in the Jerusalem area, bugger all to do in fact, and so you see I sort of got involved with this gang. More on that later. Anyway, I'm rambling before I even start. There was these four nerds, Mark, John, Matthew and this right tosser called Luke who decided to take an interest in me and start writing down these stories about things I had done.

The bother was that they usually did the writing after a night on the piss and before you know it the whole bloody thing gets bent all out of shape and I'm some fucking messiah. The funniest thing is that so many bloody idiots were taken in by it. I mean, for my sake, come on. Anyway, most of the shit can be explained away, and that's why I decided to write down the real version of events. Here, for the first time anywhere, is the true story of Jesus and The Disciples.

First things first, my fucking name is spelt J-E-S-U-S, but is actually pronounced HeySoos, like in Latin America. You can't begin to know how much it pisses me off when people say it wrong. Yes I had a hard life, you try being born in a fucking stable during the biggest outbreak of Foot and Mouth plague since records began. (Granted that was only three years earlier...but you know!) It was no fun I can tell you, bloody cold in them fucking mangers.

My Dad was called Joseph and my Mam was Mary, but a virgin she damn well was not. I found out later that she had it away with half of Bethlehem. However, I can't hold that against her, (I'd be arrested, after all she is my Mam!!) So, life was tough, and growing up in the dusty streets, begging for shekels, not much fun for a kid, and so I started hanging out with this pretty cool group of lads during my teenage years. We used to rough up a few lepers and nick their dosh. There's your real 'laying on of hands', and feet, and sticks and whatever else we could lay on the dirty bastards.

Eventually, I began to lead the gang. There was twelve of us in all. We became known around the area as Jesus and The Disciples. So you see, nothing religious in it, just a bored street gang of kids who liked to party and raise hell, who were basically misrepresented in a series of stories by some crappy writers. Brings this whole religious thing into perspective doesn't it???

Two of the things that make me piss myself the most is John and Judas. I believe that you know them as John the Baptist and Judas Ascariot or some shit. Well, John certainly was not a Baptist, but a Bastard. There you have it...John the Bastard. Talk about cloth ears. But what about Judas?, you ask. Well I'll tell you. He wasn't much of a walker our Judas, took too long he always said, and so he bought himself a chariot to ride around in. Did a fucking nice paint job on it too, all black with orange and red flames down the side, but I'm getting side-tracked. Hence the name you see. He became known as Judas The Chariot. Nice and simple. You know, the time I've spent thinking about it, I reckon that those stupid bloody piss heads that wrote the 'Bible' really should have had hearing aids. Would have saved about 2000 years of wars and deaths over nothing more than a collection of fiction, but...What are you gonna do?? And so to the party that I organised.

I suppose that it was the Woodstock of it's day. It all started out nice and simple like. Me, the lads, a few mates and a couple of bottles of wine. I told you earlier I had a tough life, and not much money, I couldn't afford much more than a couple of bottles. Well, as it does, word got out. The lads told their mates, who told their mates and so on and before we knew it we had half of the fucking Gaza strip there wanting a drink.

Well, tight arse that I am, (I think there's some Scot in there somewhere), I tried to stretch it out by watering it down to make it go further. Yes, that's right, I put Water into Wine. I never fucking turned water into wine, it was more of a pour to be honest with you. But once again you see, some knacker not paying attention hears water into wine, picks it up wrong and there you go. As for the fish and bread thing I think I might have been responsible for that one, (it doesn't hurt to build up your own reputation now and again...does it??)

So anyway, cracking party, plenty of drink and I was stoned out of my fucking tits. I needed to sleep it off. Thinking back, I suppose to the untrained medical eye of the day it might have looked like I was dead. Dead tired maybe, but not dead meat. So I'm snoring my fucking head off and some shit sidles me into a cave and puts this fuck off big stone in front. I just needed a couple of days to sleep off my excessive lifestyle is all.

A couple of days later, I'm up and about and people are looking at me like shit. I mean they're like falling to their knees and praising 'God'. Now there's a thing. You see me and the lads were pissed as fuck one night in the Inn and made him up. Just like that. We made up some shit that he could have done, let's face it you couldn't disprove it could you, and the rest is history...well sort of.

Again, I'm not adverse to a bit of a reputation so i let them think that I'd come back from the dead. How does that saying go? If I knew then what i know now!! Never a fucking truer word spoken. So I think that's about it for my true side of the story. Oh hang on, (no pun intended), the whole crucified on the cross thing. How about that you may well ask, I'll tell you.

Around the time there was this game sort of starting up, I think that Caesar bloke first thought of it back in Rome, but it really fucking took off round our way. It was a bit like Hockey but it was called Lacrosse. Now some of the lads really liked to play it but I preferred to watch it, sort of a manager if you will. Another classic example of cloth ears. I'm standing talking this day to some bloke and his mate and I'm really enthusiastic about the game you know? So when they're leaving one says to the other, "He's really hung up on Lacrosse!", and with a bit of Chinese Whispers thrown in I was apparently hung up on a cross...NEVER HAPPENED! And that's about it. Sure there are other examples I could go on about, but I think I've put straight the ones that piss me off the most. I was just a party dude who liked a drink and a spliff and who had a bit of a rep to go with it. Ah but you might ask, How I'm writing this around 2000 years later. And that my friends is a question I shall address at another time, trust me, you really don't want to start me off on THAT one.

[mommysalomi]

Hahahahha Jesus is my homeboy...He mows my lawn every wednesday !!!!! The only problem is he does not speak much english.. So its really funny to watch us try and comunicate .. Altough I called him a twat [ not thinkin he'd understand] and he did it was so funny...Jason speaks spanish so he tells me everything and man alive he cussed me like there was not tomarrow..But its cool we just like to fuck around....I think he just wants my bootie !!!


Great story Will..I have the same believes as you..I also feel that way about the dinosaurs.And other historical events..Yeah we got skeletons to prove they were here. But hows the history channell or discovery gonna sit there and tell me about the one time the T-rex ate the little dude and shit a turd as big as a house...How do they know? They we not there...For all they know dinosaur shit looks like rabbit shit and are only as big as a car,,,Well you get my point Mommy out !!!!!

[qwazywabbet]

That's a cool story WillRiker. Thanx for digging it out of the basement. Everything could of happened just like that.
The news media probably sucked back in those days too !! I know this much tho, if Jesus wasn't the son of God, he was one hell of a salesman. So just for the sake of this reply,,Let's say Jesus never walked on water, never calmed the storm, never healed the sick or raised the dead, no miracles whatsoever. And let's take a look at what him and
God wanted to "teach" us.(just like parents teaching children) I know,, you can find these things in alot of other religions too, not just christianity. I'm going to put these in the order I feel they should be.
#1."The Golden Rule", Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.(ya know,, I think if we "all" would do this "one", we would have no need for the rest of em.
#2. Do not judge others. (man there's alot of judges going to hell over this one,, oh well,,, we paid em good while they was here)
#3. Love your enemies. (Oh mannn,,,that bugs the crap out of em)
#4.Don't be anxious about tomorrow. (yeah,, the bills will arrive soon enough)
#5. Trust God (Hmmm,,that's a hard one. This is where "faith" comes into the picture. Hard to trust something you can't see or touch. One of the memories I have back when I was 6 maybe 7, is my mother hanging a picture on my bedroom wall she had cut from a magazine and put in a nice frame for me.It was a picture of a little mouse setting on a spool of thread, sewing on a hat, and the words above it were,"God helps them that help themselves" and she said,quote:"That's what I believe"
For some reason, it really stuck with me.
#6. I could go on with the Ten Commandments,(which I thought was a pretty good movie back in its day)
But I won't bore ya any longer with those. All in all, I don't see a thing wrong with anything they was trying to teach or spread. Do you ? And maybe they was just a bunch of moochers looking for a handout. Maybe God isn't an "Almighty", Maybe we're just some aliens science expiriment gone awry. Who knows ? But, I believe we all have "souls", and I don't think our journey is over once this body dies. I don't believe it does any good to pray for yourself either. That's something other people have to do for ya, and ya can't ask em to pray for ya,, they just do it. Okay I'm going to stop,,,trying to save some for Maxi's "best and worse" and mommyslommy's pic (man she's hot) and being nosey. Loved the story man,,why dontcha go back down inda basement and see what else you can dig up,,I'll lock the,,I mean guard the door while your down there.

[mommysalomi]

and mommyslommy's pic (man she's hot)

Thank-you Qwazzy....Wheres your pic ????


Lmao Qwazzy well you are just that Qwazzy. And I love it...
They say there is a heaven and hell.. But when you take a look around you at the poverty and sickness you think how could it get worse this has to be hell ! I sont know what I believe as i'm such a open person to what everyone else believes ... I'll sit and I'll listen but I'm still gonna be very leary as they have no solid proof and this goes with the devil too...Although he may be more real for the fact that half the world is running around doped up killin each other... Man you watch the L.A. news for just one hour and ya gotta believe thiers a devil out there ....LMFAO ....

[smilin heinz]

Yeah they say god is letting man do his thing, but don't you think he/she would've seen we're all fucking it up by now and stepped in?

[mommysalomi]

AMEN.....Heheh

[smilin heinz]

oh yeah, I take back the she because if god was a woman she definately would've stepped in by now. No woman can watch someone screw up that badly and sit by, when they know the right way to do it.

[mommysalomi]

LMFAO Agreed 100 %................

[Maximal]

Originally Posted by smilin heinz

oh yeah, I take back the she because if god was a woman she definately would've stepped in by now. No woman can watch someone screw up that badly and sit by, when they know the right way to do it.

Yeah but have you ever seen a woman step in and fix something......

Usually they just complain and put it on a list for the man to take care of!

[mommysalomi]

Yeah but when we do that we have to wait forever....


If I sont so it in my ouse it does not get done..But then agian My husband works about 17 hours a day 6 days a week sssooooo I gotta give him a break sometime !!! Since he gets no break in the bedroom !!!!