These are for Amy...she knows why.
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."
The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"
------------------------------------------------------
Bill: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
George: We haven't had any yet.
------------------------------------------------------
I never forget a face,
But in my mother-in-laws case I'm willing to make an exception.
-------------------------------------------------
I have never made a fool of my mother-in-laws,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
-------------------------------------------------
My mother-in-laws and I were happy for 20 years,
Then we met each other.
-------------------------------------------------
Last night the local peeping Tom knocked on my mother-in-laws' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
-------------------------------------------------
Marriage Anon is a club for bachelors.
If any is tempted to marry, they send my mil over in curlers and dressing gown.
-------------------------------------------------
One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
-------------------------------------------------
A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes, BUT whatever he gets, his MIL will get double. The man thinks for a while & then proclaims "1. I'd like a million dollars. 2. Beat me half to death".
-------------------------------------------------
The Argument:
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your Mother-in-Law?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, your Mother-in-Law doesn't know the difference.
Q: What are the two worst things about your Mother-in-Law?
A: Her faces.
-------------------------------------------------
My Mother-in-Law is so big, we had to stop buying her Malcom X tee shirts, because helicopters kept trying to land on her.
-------------------------------------------------
A man was on trial for bigamy, and after the judge passed sentence he asked the defendant if he'd learned what made having more than one wife a bad thing. "Yes, your honor, I have," he replied. "What is the reason?" the judge asked. "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."
-------------------------------------------------
My mother in law is so stupid she actually asked me for money. The thing is, is that I'm a bum !!!!! How dumb is she?
-------------------------------------------------
I always know when it's the mother in law knocking at the door the mice throw themselves in the traps.
-------------------------------------------------
My mother in law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough petrol.
A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom gets two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom gets two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."
------------------------------------------------------
My mother in law called today...
I knew it was her, when she knocked on the front door all the mice threw themselves on the traps!
------------------------------------------------------
Your momma is so dumb she can't even pass a blood test!
------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.
------------------------------------------------------
I gave my mother-in-law a waterproof, shockproof, anti-magnetic, unbreakable watch. She went and lost it.
------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?
------------------------------------------------------
'Oh, Nigel, I hear you buried you mother-in-law last week.' 'Had to... she was dead.'
------------------------------------------------------
'I just bought my mother-in-law a Jaguar.' 'Cor - I thought you didn't like her.' 'I know what I'm doing, it's bitten her twice already.'
------------------------------------------------------
A young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket. The young husband was standing by the switch. 'Hello, darllng,' said the mother, 'George has had this marvelous idea for curing my rheumatism.'
------------------------------------------------------
You know, I don't know what I'd do without my mother-in-law - but it's nice dreaming about it.
I mean, she's not ugly - it's just that when she makes up, the lipstick crawls back down the tube.
She's found a new cheap way of making yogurt and sour cream - she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.
------------------------------------------------------
'Do you know, my mother-in-law has vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.'
'Have you given her description to the police?'
'No, they'd never believe me.'
------------------------------------------------------
I'm not saying the mother-in-law's ugly, but she uses her bottom lip as a shower cap.
------------------------------------------------------
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face.
-------------------------------------------------------
A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW
Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
A: Just one......mine!
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None......she always gets the son-in-law to do it.
Q. What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
A. The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.
-------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.
One says to the other, "You know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other one replies, "Forget about her! Just put her to the side and eat the mashed potatoes."
-------------------------------------------------------
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
-------------------------------------------------------
Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother in law."