[smilin heinz]

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
- George Carlin

Ah, yes, "divorce", from the Latin word meaning "to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
"You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
- Larry Miller

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
- Delta Burke

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought
of that!"
- Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
- Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not
want it.
- Bill Cosby

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance.
- Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms."
- Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
- Elayne Boosler

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent
because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're
going from semi-automatics to uzis.
- Conan O'Brien

Men look at women the way they look at cars. Everyone looks at
Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station
wagons.
- Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra
liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
- Tim Allen

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have
to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every
day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done
in the morning: We're government workers!
- Jay Leno